My Slightly Cursed Trip to Parc Astérix

It was 4am – just under 5 hours before my flight and the morning after the air traffic control fiasco in the UK that had unleashed a flood of delays and strandings – when I received a text that my flight to Paris had been cancelled. Ever the pessimist, since the news broke of chaos at airports on the Monday, I’d been assuming my flight would be cancelled and I’d be kissing goodbye to my little warm summer evening of fireworks and thrill rides in the land of the Gauls. However, the uncertainty of it all until the moment came had kept me awake and at peak anxiety for the whole night. The only positive of this was that when that dreaded text rolled in, I was already up and dressed and ready to drop a silly amount of money on a Eurostar at 4:15am – and to be whisked off to St Pancras International at 4:30am by my incredible parents to whom I am eternally grateful… Practically barrel-rolling out of the car fifteen minutes before I was supposed to have cleared security, I somehow got through in time, and was on my way to France at 6am, feeling both lighter emotionally and in a financial sense.

Arriving at the Park

Getting to the park was a breeze; I just hopped on the RER from Gare du Nord to Charles de Gaulle Airport, and then used the shuttle bus ticket to the park that I’d pre-booked. I hadn’t planned this little train tour of Paris, but I always love to see the suburbs of cities more than the centres, so this was a welcome detour.

I did have a minor panic when the shuttle bus arrived at the park however, as I knew that I had to phone the hotel from the hotel bus stop to get them to pick me up to take me to the reception so that I could leave my luggage and collect my park tickets, since the hotels are not accessible on foot, but I didn’t actually know where the hotel bus stop was. A few minutes of wandering around like a sleep-deprived idiot later, I located the “navette” stop (just in front of the main entrance) and psyched myself up to deliver the least convincing “parlez-vous Anglais?” of my life to the hotel reception team. I’d just done a month of intensive Duolingo French but it really wasn’t going to cut it since phone calls are a whole different ball game when it comes to speaking another language. Thankfully, the receptionist spoke enough English to arrange the minivan and within a couple of minutes I was being driven to what would be my home for the night, La Cité Suspendue; a secluded hotel consisting of a series of rustic wooden lodges set within the forest.

The hotel's restaurant, also on stilts, like most of the hotel's buildings.

As I already knew, I wouldn’t be able to check in until 5pm – and it was only 11:40am – so I got the hotel lowdown, collected my tickets and not-yet-active room key, briefly admired the fancy taps in the hotel toilets, and headed to the park.

Look at the tap's little face!

First Impressions of the Park

Whilst my first impressions of my onsite hotel were excellent, I have to admit, the positioning of the hotel guest entrance is not kind to the park itself. Unless you’re coming from the hotel Les Quais de Lutèce, where you’ll see the vaguely visually impressive wooden coaster, Tonnerre 2 Zeus, first, as a hotel guest of La Cité Suspendue or Les Trois Hiboux, your initial view of the park is the backend of Goudurix, the ugly and notoriously rough sorry excuse for a rollercoaster that I chose not to ride during my visit due to my susceptibility to migraines. This is followed by some tired un-themed kiddie rides and a restaurant shaped like a giant pile of fruit, complete with peeling paint and an aura of having been in its aesthetic prime a good thirty years ago.

Did the dark clouds help make the giant pineapple look good? Probably not.

Luckily, things picked up from there, and I found much of the rest of the park very well presented. What particularly struck me was how clean the park was; I didn’t see a spot of litter, or the graffiti that plagues every queue line surface in UK parks. Certainly, there were areas of the park that felt on the wrong side of ‘90s retro and in need of some TLC (the boat ride Epidemaïs Croisière especially springs to mind, with its missing music and effects and static animatronics), but on the whole, the park seemed well cared for and importantly, respected by its guests. Perhaps the Gallic affection for the Astérix stories has some sort of power over park guests that deters them from defacing every available surface with doodles of genitalia and Snapchat handles?

The Rides: Day One

I started my visit with perhaps an underwhelming choice to many, SOS Numérobis, a Tivoli Medium coaster by Zierer, but I actually have a real soft spot for these guys! Like Cat-O-Pillar at Paultons Park, if you close your eyes on the back row, just for a second you can imagine you’re on Colorado Adventure at Phantasialand, being hurled out of your seat as it whips over the drops.

Having enjoyed my guilty pleasure of a coaster very definitely designed for children, I then wanted to check out the nearby new ‘Festival Toutatis’ area, but didn’t fancy immediately joining a long queue for the headline attraction, so opted for the other ride, Chez Gyrofolix. I’d not been on a Zamperla Nebulaz before so I was interested to try it out. The verdict? They’re fine but I’m not the target audience. Perhaps the best thing about this ride is its queue line interaction with the spike element on Toutatis. Whenever a train shot up the backwards spike, children in the queue to Chez Gyrofolix, who were mostly too small to ride Toutatis, would whoop and cheer for the brave bigger people on the neighbouring coaster, and those on Toutatis would wave back. It was a lovely bit of wholesome guest interaction that I’d love to see built into more rides in the future.

Toutatis' spike from the Chez Gyrofolix queue.

Whilst I was queueing for Chez Gyrofolix, I lined up a virtual queue on OzIris using the €10 (£8.50) Filotomatix Bronze pass I’d pre-booked. This pass allowed me to virtually queue for most of the bigger rides (excluding Toutatis) ten times in the day, and I mostly got it to allow me to spend more time appreciating the park’s spaces and design, rather than spending it staring at the same back of a stranger’s head. Given its low price, I think it is worth getting, especially for a first-time visit.

OzIris is probably now my favourite B&M Invert in terms of the ride layout itself (but still just behind Nemesis in my affections). I especially liked the little dip down in the first tunnel that helps pick up the pace almost like a launch, and at dusk, this coaster felt really snappy. This ride was my first encounter with Parc Astérix’s (ahem) unique baggage handling system: the shopping trolley. There’s just something hilarious about the ride hosts doing a whip-around for bags, unceremoniously lobbed into a literal shopping trolley (baby seat and all), with just a burlap sack cover there to remind you that you’re enjoying an Immersive Theme Park Experience, not your local Lidl. Fishing for your bag amongst a scrum of teens was not great, but to be fair to the park, the process was always closely watched over by a member of staff, so I doubt it actually results in further thefts than the more familiar ‘cubby-hole by the side of the station’ setup. It is still very funny though.

Next up was a trio of mediocre coasters. First was Trace du Hourra, a bobsled that was bizarrely rough sitting in the front. Second was Pégase Express, the Gerstlauer family coaster. I really wanted to like this one as the concept was cute, but again, it was surprisingly rough. The fact that by this point I hadn’t slept in 30+ hours probably was not helping my resistance to headaches, but I’ve had less migraine-inducing rides on SAW at Thorpe Park. Finally, before my lunch break, I rode Le Vol d’Icare, one of only two of its type in the world (the Zierer Hornet), but the world is not really missing out on much. It’s janky, but serviceable as a family coaster filling out the line-up.

The best thing about Trace du Hourra was these happy carvings near the queue.

I now had my first of several disappointing food experiences at Parc Astérix. Having looked at Google reviews before visiting, I knew that food was not a highlight at the park, but I went in optimistic that I might find some hidden gems. Browsing the menus in the app, I saw a Nutella panini, only served at one location and only from midday, which intrigued me. Was this a specialty item? Googling “Nutella panini” I saw images of banana and chocolate-filled paninis and this looked delightful, so I made it my mission to hunt this thing down. Folks, it was just some bread and some Nutella. Hot. Very flat. Upsettingly cost about a fiver.

Wiping away my chocolate smears of regret, I stumbled upon Epidemaïs Croisière, a longstanding boat ride that seems to have been through story changes over the years and has been, as mentioned before, left in a state of slight neglect. The intermittent, quiet repetitive music lulled me into a nap, allowing this ride to join the small but esteemed club of rides I have fallen asleep on: the Hogwarts Express at Universal, and X at Thorpe Park.

A cute detail by the Epidemaïs Croisière turntable. (The little dog Idéfix being better known in English translations of the series as Dogmatix).

Finally, it was time for Toutatis; the whole reason I booked the trip. Taron and VelociCoaster are up there as my number one and number two coaster so I had high expectations for this ride of a similar style. Joining behind me in the Single Rider queue was someone I actually knew from Theme Park Twitter (who did not know me). We got talking and this was very fortunate because I was about to confront the biggest let down of the trip and I was glad not to have to confront it alone. Just as I was about to board, a ride host told me I’d have to remove my glasses, even with the athletic strap attached. I’ve never had to remove my glasses for a rollercoaster before when wearing a strap, and I am so thankful that my new Twitter acquaintance, Sam, was there to guide me onto the ride, and to help me to locate my bag. It was seriously disappointing to not be able to see the ride, and to then experience the subsequent motion sickness from being unable to orient myself, but more than that, it would’ve been very disconcerting having to try to find my bag in the shopping trolley melee on my own for the first ride, especially since the baggage area is not that close to the ride exit. I am legally blind without my glasses and when you combine that with an inability to communicate in French effectively, I felt very vulnerable negotiating Toutatis.

Putting aside the glasses situation, this ride is incredible! I only got two rides on VelociCoaster back in 2021, versus thirteen on Toutatis, so it’s hard to compare, but I’d say it’s equally intense if not more so, with the pops of airtime being like a bucking bronco. If I could’ve actually seen the ride, I think this might have dethroned Taron as my number one coaster. Here’s hoping they change their policy someday!

Sam and I spent a couple of hours chatting theme parks and going around doing a couple of water rides and OzIris again, before I headed back to my hotel to check in and freshen up for dinner. Whilst we did the water rides, I lined up a virtual queue slot for Tonnerre 2 Zeus (bouncy as a shopping trolley going down an inflatable slide, but otherwise very fun), but I didn’t get to use up all of my virtual queue slots because Sam didn’t have Filotomatix and you couldn’t share. I wasn’t fussed though; I’d bought it to improve my queuing experience as a single rider and I didn’t need to queue alone for the rest of the day! After dinner, we met up again in the park, enjoyed the magic of a few night rides on OzIris and Toutatis and ended the evening watching the nightly summer fireworks display.

We said our goodbyes, and after surviving a day that started with my trip getting temporarily cancelled, I was happy, but glad to be making the 15-minute trek back to my hotel for some sleep in a bed, not on a boat ride.

La Cité Suspendue

I was about equally excited to stay at the hotel I picked as I was to ride Toutatis when I was organising this trip. I adore woodland-y hotels, and La Cité Suspendue (mostly) met my expectations. The rooms were clean, tastefully furnished, with no clear direct references to Astérix, but in keeping with the series, and with its own backstory explained through references in places like the restaurant’s menu. Staff were helpful and kind, and either spoke good English or did their absolute best to help even if they needed to call up Google Translate here and there. I was especially impressed when I was leaving on my second day and needed to get back to the shuttle bus; I asked if I could take the minivan back to the bus stop, and within a minute a member of the reception team was backing out the van from the hotel car park ready for my solo journey.

My room for the night. Not visible: the tiny bedroom with bunkbeds for children.

The only disappointment was the food. I’d heard good things about the self-serve buffet dinner, but I struggled. The food was all far too salty, with what seemed like almost no other flavour. I know the park wants to give you the experience of ‘eating like a Gaul’ but I just wish the Gauls had access to spices and the concept of umami. Breakfast was okay, but not even as good as I’ve had at Alton Towers, which is probably saying something…

You can't see the salt but it's there. The potato was also almost raw in the middle?

The Rides: Day Two

With hotel early ride access for a few key rides starting at 9:30am, I headed straight for Discobelix, a ubiquitous Zamperla Disk’o, as this ride never seemed to have a wait time below 30 minutes. The Disk’o gods looked kindly upon me that day, as for my only ride, I got to experience the intermittent fire effect face on, at the peak of the half pipe. Still feeling a bit too fragile to go for a ride on Tonnerre 2 Zeus before 10am, I opted for the little kiddie boat ride La Rivière d’Elis, that was inexplicably open for early access. I was one of very, very few riders, but it was nice to sit for a while!

Does this ride do anything? No, but it's tranquil.

I then thought I’d beat the crowds in joining the queue for Toutatis before it opened, but in my rookie error, I only just beat the biggest hordes of day guests, and still ended up in a forty-five-minute queue for the front row, which was probably only 30 minutes max for the rest of the day. In the queue, I decided I would set up my Filotomatix Unlimited pass (unlimited fast pass access to all major rides, including Toutatis) that I’d spent a small fortune on in order to have the best solo visit experience possible on a shorter day. This was when I discovered my Filotomatix had not been correctly linked to my account that morning at the hotel, and this was when I realised I would have to make a forty-five minute round trip back to the hotel to get it fixed. Your hotel being secluded is all fun and games until you have to leg it back there from the furthest side of the park! The hotel staff did manage to find a workaround and as a result, I was able to ride Toutatis a further nine times that day, but as a single rider, I’m not entirely sure it was worth the price on the day I visited. On a very busy day, it would be an excellent use of £90, but it was a pretty quiet day for the school holidays, and due to the unfortunate batching technique of some of the staff, only allowing me to join a row when there was a group of three in the main queue, rather than pairing me with one of the many people in the single rider queue, I probably only halved my wait time.

Filotomatix Unlimited users get these snazzy wristbands that tell everyone you're a fool who paid to skip the lines on a quiet day.

In the afternoon after a Nutella waffle lunch, I gave Tonnerre 2 Zeus three more attempts, and seemed to discover from three rides on the left-hand side, rows 9-10, and one ride on the right, row 10, that sitting on the right for some reason induced far less of a headache and was, dare I say it, enjoyable. Maybe it depends on whether you’re taking certain turnarounds or the helix on the outside or the inside, or maybe it was just a coincidence, but for me, row 10 right is where it’s at!

Having blitzed my brain on three back-to-back rides on Tonnerre 2 Zeus, it was time for a relaxed stroll out of the park and over to Les Quais de Lutèce. I wasn’t staying there but there’s nothing stopping you from popping over to take some photos of the newest and most visually ambitious of the three hotels!

How is this a hotel?

Coming back to the park around 3pm, I had another ride on OzIris, and three more rides on Toutatis before pausing for an early dinner around 5pm. None of the food appealed at this point so I went for the safe option of a three-cheese pizza at Caïus Pizzarium. And I am so glad I did. The pizza was decent, but there was something about the tinny renditions of famous Italian songs playing in the near-empty restaurant that looked like it was last decorated in the late ‘90s that was oddly comforting and nostalgic. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d be eating pizza on my own in France to the tune of ‘Funiculì, Funiculà’ (more often known online as the Spider Man 2 pizza mini game theme), but sometimes the universe delivers beautiful moments.

I decided to extend my Roman experience with a spin on Le Défi de César, the park’s Vekoma Madhouse that is in desperate need of attention or removal. I didn’t know until after riding that the ride is meant to have multiple interactive pre-shows, as what we got was about five of us glumly sitting through a regular madhouse with several of the screens it relies on to maintain its illusion suffering from a text overlay error or colour imbalance. Nothing screams immersion more than big green letters across the sea saying “ASPECT FULL.”

At 6pm, there was just time for one final ride on my new number three, Toutatis (curse my eyeballs!) and then I needed to scoot back to the hotel, before boarding the shuttle bus back to the airport, as my flight home was miraculously not cancelled. This all went smoothly in the end, and so concluded my exhausting, yet rewarding trip to Parc Astérix.

Final Thoughts

I was worried before going to Parc Astérix that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the place due to my lack of real familiarity with the Astérix comics, but I think those concerns were unfounded. I could tell that there were references to Astérix storylines throughout the park and if you were a fan, oh boy was there a lot of merchandise for you, but I think as long as you knew the very basic premise of the series, you could fully appreciate what the park has to offer – and it does have a lot. Toutatis definitely sits there with some of the best coasters, and the rest of the coaster line-up is solid, clearly getting stronger as the years have passed. The Egyptian area with OzIris, that is getting a new flat ride in 2024, and the new-for-2023 Festival Toutatis area, are both of an excellent quality, but there were even some nice surprises in the older parts of the park.

The streets of Paris circa 1895! Ignore the hand sanitiser.

I absolutely adored La Rue de Paris, the covered passageway representing Paris of the 1890s. Partly peeling and grotty by design, partly by the passage of time, this space has that quintessential musty old dark ride/museum smell that is so nostalgic – and nostalgia is a key theme of this park for me. As a child of the ‘90s and Parc Astérix having opened in 1989, much of the park still feels very ‘90s, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse – and this resonates with me as nostalgic, despite the park being based on an intellectual property I’ve never engaged with much.

I’m excited to see what Parc Astérix creates in the future, but I hope it doesn’t lose all of that original charm in the process – I’m sure I’ll be back again some time to find out!